Posted by: Frank Chiapperino in group health on
Apr 25, 2009
One thing that never leaves a leader's plate is confrontation and conflict resoultion. However, sometimes it is challenging to know when you need to confront someone. I recently had to confront a family member on an inssue and it got me asking this question - How do we know when we should confront someone? A while back David Foster, author and pastor of The Gathering Church, wrote 10 signs it is time to confront:
1. It's time to confront when things aren't working out even after you've given them sufficient time to do so.
2. When you're avoiding each other.
3. When your silence is more about fear than the truth.
4. When allowing the contact to go on is hurting the other person.
5. When the contact is hurting other people.
6. When you see there is still time to redeem the relationship, the job, the person, or the potential future.
7. When you're responsible for the health and well-being of the people involved in the situation. You have the power to do something, therefore you have the obligation.
8. When you're able to separate the behavior from the person. You love the person always, even though you can't support the behavior.
9. When your integrity and reputation as a friend, manager, leader, or business owner is on the line, it's time to confront.
10. When you understand that sometimes love must be tough if it's truly love. Love that is based on a lie is indulgence. Love that is based on truth and applied with mercy and grace is truly a gift from God.
Last year I this time of year I was thinking about this topic when reading through proverbs. If you want to read my reflections, click here. One piece of advice as you proceed with dealing with conflict in your group and in your church... the longer you wait, the harder it gets. Do it now.
That is the subtitle for Dave Treat's new website, Thinking Small. At one time Dave was leader for small group ministry at Granger Community Church before joining the staff at Willow Creek. Later he moved to the Willow Creek Association and joined the team there in the creation and organization of the Group Life Conference each year (That is where I got to know him a bit).
In a recent post on Thinking Small Dave reflects on another transition he is experiencing. Leaving to do something else,
Ministry is all about leaving.
If you're in ministry you understand this immediately and accept it grudgingly. You're a short-timer. The leaders you have so painstakingly developed may help another leader realize their goals. You will need to start over with a bunch of rookies and do it all over again. The structures you so carefully crafted may collapse; the framework you so artfully erected may be replaced. The trust you built and the relationships you nurtured will largely vaporize... and it all happened so fast.
In our group ministries we see this happen more frequently as we grow larger. Apprentices move on to lead their own groups. Leaders move on to become coaches, coaches may turn into directors and some even become pastors. Still others we build relationships with God may call to other churches or even other countries to lead and start new ministries. We have to learn to celebrate these changes and view them as opportunites to grow ourselves and develop new leaders for God's work.
Dave speaks on small groups and trains leaders internationally. If you are looking for a solid trainer or more info you can follow him by clicking here.
One way you can bring new life to your leadership is by taking them on a retreat. Getting them away from home and into God’s creation can do wonders. In order to lead in an effective manner we need the undivided attention of those who follow us. It removes them from their families, their email, telephones, televisions and all the distractions that pull them away from the importance of what they do for God’s kingdom and the people they serve in their ministry.
I have taken groups of my leaders away on a retreats for this very purpose. I remember on one occasion I started our discussion time following the advice of Andy Stanley who wrote my favorite book on leadership, The Next Generation Leader: 5 Essentials for Those Who Will Shape the Future
. In the book Stanley says to focus on the things you're good at. The less you do, the more you accomplish. You're not very good at very many things and you can only do what only you can do. So that is where our discussion started, we talked about what we do well as a small group ministry and why those things are going well. It was an encouraging discussion and I think it started off our time together in the best way possible. The words we shared lifted our spirits and helped us focus on why we do what we do.
The second point of discussion was fresh ideas and the third point was challenges we face. After talking a while about the things we are good at, I opened up these other two points at the same time since talking about challenges can often lead to fresh ideas. We talked for 3 ½ hours straight! During our discussion I saw an energy and passion for our group leaders and our ministry that I hadn’t seen in this group in over a year. It was nothing short of amazing.
To help our coach team relationally connect we did an activity called The Hot Seat at every meal. Every time we sat down to eat, one person from the team would be chosen and we could ask that person any question about themselves we wanted and they had to answer. It was an incredible bonding experience for the group. Here are some questions we asked to those on the hot seat
How did you become a Christian?
When was they last time you cried and why?
What was your most embarrassing moment?
What was the last thing you did that you regret?
After the question time is over we then go around the table and say what it is that we love about the person in the hot seat.
It is retreats like these that you will find laughter, tears, passion, and direction for your ministry and your leaders. Make sure you find time for something like this every year and your ministry will thrive!
