Our Pastoral Care Coordinator, Steve Lybrand, recently had some conflict in a new group restore group he started. The group is called Making Life Work and it is focused on helping people deal with negative behaviors in their life and help them deal with dependency and co-dependency. Here is what Steve had to say about his recent conflict:
Last night after our MLW meeting we had a leaders meeting. An area of conflict came up. Not serious, but it did touch peoples emotions and the discussion reflected it. What I loved is that the issue was brought out, discussed in a heated fashion and the group came to a concensus with the two members it mostly effected agreeing to work out the details together. It is a classic example of what Patrick Lencioni describes should happen in The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. Everyone got to speak, and though uncomfortable we stayed on track to resolve the situation.
How different from what many experience growing up in dysfunctional households. There are three rules generally learned in unhealthy personal or work environments; Don't speak, don't trust, don't feel. You see, in unhealthy environments speaking openly, particularly about difficult issues gets you in trouble. You can't trust because something which was perceived innocently last week might trigger an angry reaction this week. And you can't feel because those two create a crazy environment and feeling crazy is generally not an attribute. Ultimately nothing gets done and resentments build.
Often when people tell me that their group is going through conflict I tell them that it is heathy for them to work through the experience. Conflict is necessary for relationships to grow and if it is dealt with properly everyone can benefit.
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Brian Kruckenberg at LifeChurch.tv recently wrote on the topic of conflict. He is their groups pastor at their campus in Mesa Az.
Here is what he had to say...
Capitalizing on Conflict
Whenever you get a group of people together to do anything, one thing is certain: there will be conflict. As a leader, you have to become effective at dealing with conflict, or as I have begun to think about it, you must learn to capitalize on it. No more “conflict management,” okay? And, let’s be clear: conflict in and of itself is not bad. Conflict can lead to innovation and breakthrough. Non-constructive conflict is what we most often think of when we hear the word “conflict” and that’s the junk we need to overcome as leaders.
Here are some quick thoughts for you to ponder and comment on:
Vision and passion trump most non-constructive conflict. If you cast a strong vision, write it down and reinforce it, group members who want to be negative will be run over by the vision.
You must uncover the real reason behind the conflict. Often the stated issue isn’t really the issue at all. You must dig deep as a leader but to dig deep requires trust.
Once you’ve found the real issue, you have to be willing to confront it. Again, if you don’t have trust, this is difficult to do. But, to be an effective leader, you have to ask the hard questions.
Which brings me to this: ask questions. One of the best ways to confront conflict is to ask the right questions. You’ll get a lot farther by helping people uncover a potential problem area in their life than by showing them the problem yourself. Help them discover it.
